So, it’s Christmastime again. Isn’t it great feeling the cool, crisp December
breeze on your skin while you scurry around shops after shops to find the suitable gifts for family members, friends, and your multitude of godkids? I cannot say I empathize with this sentiment, though. Can you? Are you one of those frantic, desperate shoppers who have to resort to thrift shops just so your $100 can buy trinkets and whatnots for all and sundry? Are you feeling hassled yet?
Don’t worry. There are actually things you can do to not only avoid the stress that almost always results from buying gifts for finicky people but also to duck giving gifts altogether. You’d like that, eh?
One, you can appear sick just around the holidays. It is easy to feign sickness, more so if you fancy yourself a consummate actor and wholeheartedly believe in this extraordinary acting ability of yours. People would believe you. After all, many people get sick around Christmastime. You’re a person, so you can also get sick around the holidays, right? It would be rotten timing, of course; you couldn’t go out to buy gifts because of this mysterious illness. But they’d understand. Just be sure to act convincingly. Who knows, they might sympathize and for once would feel generous enough to get you get-well-soon gifts instead.
Two, tell everyone you are traveling, and that this trip has been planned for almost a year. You don’t really have to travel, just pretend that you are. To be more convincing, tell them you are going on a safari and that all your savings have already been spent on tickets, hotel rooms, appropriate clothes for safari-ing, and upgrading your insurance in case something happens to you while posing beside a friendly lion for a picture. And no, you cannot bring home a jackal pup or a cheetah cub for them; tell them it’s illegal! And since you don’t have money to spare, buying them handmade African jewelries is also out of the question.
So where should you be during the days you are supposed to spend safari-ing? If you live alone, in your house/apartment, of course. Just make sure to stock food enough to last weeks so you won’t have to go out of the house. Remember, you are supposed to be in Africa, playing tag with sarcastic hyenas and uber-friendly big cats. So why don’t you want anyone to take you to – or get you from – the airport? Simple. Your flights in and out of the country are at 4:00 in the morning, and you don’t want to inconvenient them unnecessarily. And what about your holiday pictures? If you are good at photoshop, go and photoshop some pictures. If not, say in your hurry you forgot to pack your camera and don’t have any spare money to buy another. Problem solved.
Or, if feigning sickness or babbling about non-existent travel plans is too much trouble and you don’t think you are a convincing enough actor to pull it off, you can just hide. That’s right; hide. In your house. Do not open the door when your doorbell rings (you are not IN, remember?); do not answer the phone (let the answering machine take the call); do not show your face in public (if you have to go out, wear a disguise and make sure nobody sees you going in and out of the house); and turn on only a few necessary lights – and only those that cannot be seen from outside the house (remember, a dark house gives the impression of being devoid of people).
Still think hiding is too troublesome to carry out? Then just join the melee of haggard Christmas shoppers out there and brace yourself for yet another nerve-wracking shopping experience. Your nerves and your wallet would not thank you for this, but who cares? ‘Tis Christmas season, aye?
Speaking of which, I still have my own shopping to plan and do. Acting sick, pretending to travel, and hiding will not work for me either. Drat. Commercialized Christmas, why do we have this love-hate relationship again?
fleeting passions 