Staying up until the early hours of the morning can be fun. Really. It does not beat dreaming about bunnies in gaily colored tailcoats hopping about muttering nonsensical words or about psychedelic flower fields over which fifty-foot boats cruise down gilded rainbows, but it sure does have its advantages. For one, it will surely – eventually – turn you into an insomniac. You may ask “What’s great about being an insomniac?” Well, aside from giving you dark circles around the eyes, thereby making you look like an adorable panda (that is, if you like pandas and think they are adorable), it would also give you a chance to whine (because you have a splitting headache and you just have to tell anyone willing – and not willing – to listen to get their sympathy) and to miss work with a valid excuse (because a splitting headache, no matter what caused it, is really a valid excuse for calling in sick).
Right. So you get my point. Or not.
Anyway, if you want to turn yourself into an insomniac so you’ll enjoy the benefits only available to the panda-chan-wannabes out there, you may want to do the following:
1) At night, start doing things you don’t normally do right before your bedtime. You could read a book you think is really interesting and is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat, or, if you are lying while reading, on the edge of your bed (just be careful not to fall, though). Or you could play computer games or watch films. If you are scared of blood, ghosts, werewolves, pretty vampires, long staircases, squeaky doors, or the voices in your head urging you to do something *cough* naughty, play or watch something that feeds your fear… specifically something that is gory and/or scary, or something that is so horribly lame it would have you tearing at your hair in frustration. See if it doesn’t keep you awake afterward. You could also exercise or play hopscotch or binge on sweets and pastries. Sweets would probably give you toothache afterward, but who cares? That’s the goal, right? Toothache keeps you awake. If you can arrange to have your toothache at night, the better. It’s a headway to your becoming an enthusiastic insomniac;
2) Drink lots and lots of coffee at night. If after a while you feel that two or three mugs of coffee could no longer keep you awake, drink some more coffee. It would help if you eat chocolate or cake or anything sweet with your coffee;
3) Create a mantra that goes something like “Must. Stay. Awake.” If you feel yourself succumbing to Morpheus’ call, repeat the mantra over and over again, loudly if you need to. If you keep others awake by your chanting, it couldn’t be that bad. They might be interested to join you in your attempt to outsmart dear old Hypnos;
4) Attempt to sleep later and later every night, by doing #1 and #2. If your usual bedtime is 12 midnight, it should have changed to at least a couple of hours later within a week. After a month or so, you should be able to stay awake, even without having to resort to overloading your system with caffeine, until about four in the morning; and
5) If you’ve accomplished #4, you might very well be on your way to becoming an insomniac. Yay! Congrats! But I’m sure by this time someone – your mother, father, roommate, grandma, grandpa, cat, dog, nosy pervert stalker neighbor – is already worried about your sleeping habit. Worry does not always equate to understanding, though, so chances are they might want to throttle you half to death just to get you in the damn bed to get you to sleep. And yes, to answer your question (because I know you really would like to ask ‘that’ question), cats and dogs can overpower you and smoother you with your favorite Marvin the Martian pillow if they are big enough and pissed enough at you. But since you don’t want your effort in the past days to go to waste, be vigilant and stay away from people – and pets – that look at you funny and start waving bamboo shoots under your nose to tempt you to eat. Repeat steps 1 to 4 if necessary, and keep in mind #5 all the time. All the time.
If despite every obstacle that came your way you were still able to successfully complete your goal, give yourself a satisfied, I’m-so-proud-of-you kind of pat on the back. As a reward for your perseverance and determination and for a job well-done, treat yourself to cake and ice cream (Gourmet strawberry ice cream. Double chocolate mousse cake. Yum!) Afterward, make sure haven’t missed a payment on your health insurance and that it is still active. After all, it pays to be prepared always. And it would surely ease your mind to know that your health coverage is still active, in case something – the operative word here being ‘something,’ mind – happens to you. Er…
fleeting passions 